Chapter 14: In Which There Is a Meeting with Grey Torre, an Unnecessary Monologue, and Several Gunshots
Apparently Agent Asshole didn't take too kindly to Hunky McLawyerdom expressing concern about Our Formerly Intrepid Heroine's welfare after having been kidnapped and has been acting 'cold and distant' - which is SO unlike the way he's been acting up until now, Bitsy...Oh. Wait. Anyway, Bitsy embarks upon the tactic of spineless women everywhere when confronted with pigheaded passive-aggressive men and strips until he's happy and talking to her again... Bitsy's sense of self-esteem is apparently still curled up in the fetal position whimpering softly on the floor of her car.
Anyway, they drive out to Grey Torre's Secret Cabin in the woods via a super-secret alternative route - in case there is a 'surprise party' waiting for them. This would be smarter if it weren't for the fact that the Private Cabin is off a Private Road - and I'm guessing there is only one of those. Any 'surprise party' will likely simply be waiting off of the Single Entrance to the Secluded Secret Cabin in the Woods. Just sayin', Super Spy. Also - they are apparently arriving at nightfall rather than during daylight hours. WHY? Why would you arrange a clandestine meeting with a scary agency trying to kill you when visibility is impaired?
They get there and Mick slips a gun into Bitsy's waistband so it won't be found on him while he is inevitably searched. Then he pulls a totally transparent sleight of hand move while stalling for time before she's searched. I am exasperated at the utter lack of professionalism in this supposedly powerful super-secret spy agency. AH! But Grey Torre, Hunky Divorce Lawyer to the Stars' Abused Spouses is the one who pats down Bitsy, while bantering playfully about shared memories and saying this was his fifth-grade fantasy. I'm not sure there was that much fantasizing when I was in fifth grade, but BE STILL MY HEART! SEARCH ME NEXT, GREY! I COULD BE CONCEALING A WEAPON!
Grey's upset at a bruise on Bitsy's jaw picked up in her brush with the Plot Goons in Chapter 4. She plays on his sympathies and goes in for a hug. Rather than this being a real show of affection - HOW CAN YOU CHOOSE AGENT ASSHOLE OVER HUNKY GREY TORRE? - it's a RUSE to check if he's wired for Mick. He is. They all go into the cabin with Grey ushering her around and reaching around her in a sexy manner. But it can never be between Bitsy and Grey. The man has a deer head mounted on the wall and it gives her 'the willies'. Now, I don't like hunting either, but honey, you've got no problems sleeping with a MAN WHO SHOOTS OUT PEOPLE'S KNEECAPS FOR FUN. But a mounted DEER HEAD freaks you out? Seriously Bitsy. There is SO MUCH WRONG WITH YOU!
Grey Torre, whom I thought could not be more perfect, offers everyone drinks. And the man is not talking Coca-Cola, no sir! He is offering proper adult beverages, people! How much more awesome could he be? Everyone else declines, but he shrugs and pours himself a scotch proclaiming (in pure Luc Teyssier form) that 'cloak and dagger stuff makes [his] ass twitch'. LOVE!
Anyway, while Grey is reveling in his coolness, Mick proceeds to explain the evildoer's secret plan to said evildoer to demonstrate Agent Asshole's dubious deductive reasoning skills and generally sum up the Dubious Plot Device that got us here. Turns out secretly, while we weren't paying attention because Bitsy was stripping (in a much-abbreviated recap), Mick was tapping the Evildoers' phones and computers and therefore has now gathered All the Necessary Proof. Evildoer pulls a gun, Mick blows his head off. Automatic Gunfire erupts from the 'Surprise Party' Mick so cunningly evaded (NOT!) earlier with his Cunning Plan to take a different highway. Mick tells Grey to "call in his cavalry" AS IF THEY WOULDN'T ALREADY BE ON THE WAY ONCE THEY HEARD AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE ON THE WIRE GREY IS WEARING. COME ON!
Agent Asshole decides to Heroically Draw Fire by running out the back. Bitsy clings to him like a limpet proclaiming that she NEEEEEEEDS him. He kisses her and runs off. She lies despondently on the floor - apparently uncaring if she is torn apart by stray (or not so stray) bullets. Really, Bitsy? ARE YOU TURNING ALL BELLA ON ME?! She is. She cares for nothing if Mick isn't there. Certainly not her own safety.
Mick scampers off through the dark and ends up in a stand-off with the HEAD of the Super-Secret Evil Agency (what? This guy doesn't have minions to send to do his dirty work?) because he just so happens to see STARLIGHT glinting off of NIGHT VISION GOGGLES. Yeah. Man's been eating his carrots or something. He can also see the smug smile on Head Evil Doer's face in the muzzle flash of the rifle shooting at him. I am surprised that the Head Evil Doer is such a ridiculously lousy shot with a rifle that he completely misses Agent Asshole. Seriously, either engage in target practice or SEND MINIONS to kill Mick.
A single gunshot rings out. Bitsy opens her mouth to cry out but no sound comes out. It is very dramatic as we scene-dissolve to:
Chapter 15: In Which Things End
Head-Evildoer is found dead with a single bullet wound to the heart. At least Agent Asshole was up on his target practice. A trail of blood leads away from his body then disappears. They never find Mick's body. Bitsy lives in alternate hope and despair, thinking fondly of bizarre memories in which Mick compares himself to a Siamese cat. Uh, WHAT? I think I missed something, but I'm damned if I'll go back and read this thing again. You'll just have to live with the mystery.
Blah, blah, blah. People want Hunky Grey Torre to run for office. The evil Chinese Evildoers are quietly packed off to where they came from. Investigative hearings are held. Blah. Bitsy ruminates for a paragraph as to whether she would want her penis enlarged if she had one. WHAT? Then, while scrolling through her spam, she sees two attachments in an email with no subject line to Ethel June from Leslie (they're oh-so-hilarious code names from Chapter 8). In it is just an attached e-ticket to Cancun.
With nothing more than that, Bitsy packs a carry-on and leaves her entire life behind - she knows she's not going back - and boards a tiny puddle-jumper to an unknown city in the middle of the Mexican jungle to meet 'the senor' who apparently watches the plane and speaks of her 'not so much with his voice. But with his eyes.' (Is this reminding anyone else of a backwards Romancing the Stone?). He meets her at the plane at his airstrip at his ranch secluded deep in the Mexican jungle with the latest security while his Mexican minion smiles benevolently. And I know I'm supposed to be touched. But all I can think of is: MICK IS TOTALLY A SECRET DRUG LORD!!!
THE END
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