Sydney Ryan - High-Heeled Alibi (Part 4)

When last we left our Intrepid Heroine and her Vision of Golden Maleness, their faces were plastered all over the media and they were being accused of assorted crimes (including the murder of a Congressman), which means it's time for:


Chapter 10: In which there is A Wholly Inexplicable Kiss


The issue of the one bed tucked firmly behind us, it is suddenly dawn and Our Intrepid Heroine has donned her latest disguise - red hair dye and a fake baby belly (is it wrong that I'm totally picturing that scene from Ten Things I Hate About You right now?) to play the very pregnant wife of the Vision of Now-Dark-Haired Maleness. Cute Banter regarding the circumstances of their wedding/baby-timing ensues. Who is this? Did the hairdye remove Mick's Idiot Gene? This is the only reason I can see for all this disguising as they encounter Absolutely No One on the trip to Mick's Secret Lair of Secretness in the mountains of Oregon.

Well, also, to give Mick a reason to dwell on his Issues. Let's not forget, y'all, Mick's Wife was Shot While Pregnant and he Couldn't Protect Her and he has Avoided All Emotional Commitment (though not his Manly Physical Needs - did I need to know that?) Ever Since. And now he's feeling weird FEELINGS. Like protectiveness and stuff towards his hostage. Is there such a thing as Reverse Stockholm Syndrome (wikipedia says yes: Lima Syndrome!)? Because Mick is bonding up a storm here with his hostage. In fact, they have a very odd conversation where Bitsy, Our Formerly Intrepid Heroine, asks him whether he's an elite spy machine *waggling eyebrows* (umm, Bitsy? This is not sexytalk...) and then pants at him so he can prove to her that he is in fact ALL MAN, BABY. By which I mean he kisses her. And I am hoping that this kiss will lead to her cracking him over the head and making a run for it on her Only Sometimes Painful Torn Hamstring. But it is not to be.

Instead the Man who has had no sleep since the beginning of this book (aside from a quick nap in an armchair) continues to drive all the way to Oregon to his Secret Lair of Secretness, where he busts out some Spy Movie checking-to-make-sure-no-one-has-invaded His Fortress of Solitude. No one has, so there are Showers All Around and Our Formerly Intrepid Heroine wears some ill-fitting delicate lacy undergarments because apparently Francine (our foul-mouthed bringer of clothing) was all about encouraging sexytimes between Mick & Co. Now, I don't know about you, but if I had the choice between a pretty lacy bra that is "snug" with bits "swelling over" or my very own, properly fitting one that merely needs to be rinsed out in the sink, I know which one I would choose. Sadly Bitsy, of the now Miraculously Almost Healed Torn Hamstring, disagrees. Also - REALLY? You tear a hamstring and 48 hours, some cramped sleep curled up in a car and a hot shower later and you don't even want pain pills?

Anyway, miraculous healing aside, Mick turns up wearing nothing but a pair of jorts and the two share heated looks while she's trying to get into his computer. And then he inserts the USB stick into the drive (and that is NOT a euphemism) and... the chapter ends...

Better luck next time, Mick!

Sydney Ryan - High-Heeled Alibi (Part 3)

When last we left our couple, Our Intrepid Heroine had her hair firmly ensconced in Agent Caveman's grip, only to find herself in the midst of:

Chapter 7: In Which There is A Heart to Heart (and a Car Chase!)

Mick decides to 'open up' to Bitsy and tells her about his trust issues - because his wife was shot and died in his arms WHILE PREGNANT WITH THEIR BABY! And it was all so senseless because he never would have talked about his unsavory employers! It is too sad for words.

Bitsy reciprocates by unloading about her sleazebag ex-husband who destroyed her ability to believe in Happily Ever After (at least for another 10 chapters or so). It has the makings of a disturbing bonding moment, but Agent Asshole can't keep his mouth shut, as usual, and goes on about how many hearts are broken every day and he just can't imagine why she's not taking it in stride.

I almost scream at the book that trivializing her pain is not exactly going to win you any points in the 'trust' department (this is not sexy talk!) - especially that your hand is still wrapped in her hair in a distinctly non-sexy manner. But sadly, Mick's scoffing is not to be silenced by common sense. Thankfully, it will be stopped by...

Gunshots! And an ensuing car chase! Instead, Mick turns his special agent thoughts to Pure Madness and insists that Bitsy leap out of a car going 85 miles an hour with a torn hamstring. Because he's steering the car towards a 1000 ft. drop-off. I mean, I know some ladies dig an adrenaline rush, but surely this is going a bit far?

After escaping that with no further injuries except scrapes (what world of physics is this? Gravity is a harsh mistress!), Bitsy has a flash of brilliance that leads to...

Chapter 8: In which our Bedraggled Heroine Participates in a Grade School Field Day!

Despite her torn hamstring (which only hinders the heroine when plot-convenient), Bitsy is still a champion tree-climber. So the two escape their trained pursuers by climbing up a tree. Then make their way back towards civilization in a three-legged race! The perfect method to showcase Mick's toned abs and bring about physical proximity, though it suffers from the drawbacks of everyone not having been near a shower or a toothbrush for at least two days.

Bitsy's fortitude appears to have taken the edge off of Mick's asshole tendencies, but I have no doubt they're still lurking under the surface. But Bitsy nonetheless plays along when Mick insists they pretend to be an adoring couple lost after a car accident (which he blames her for entirely, in truly charming fashion...umm...not). This is the first interaction that doesn't make me want to beat Mick over the head, though, so we're making progress!

Side note: Does anyone in real life use the word 'fabu'? I thought that was reserved for Wakko from the Animaniacs. 


But after offering to take them to her house in town to feed them and let them rest up, the clerk at the random vacation campground rental they turn up at in the mountains jumps in her car and speeds off leaving our Bedraggled Heroine and her Faux-Fiance staring at her taillights in...

Chapter 9: In which There is a Shower

Clerk Woman apparently took off because Vampire Vixen Bitsy has gotten herself plastered all over the celebrity gossip sites as both a prostitute and Bonnie to Agent Asshole's Clyde Barrow - who is, of course, now wanted for the assassination of a Congressman and his former mentor. Awkward.

Embracing her newfound life of crime, Bitsy raids the campground store for clean clothes, snacks and toiletries. I have to say, this campground store sounds way more sports and outdoors shop than any campground bait, propane, bread and sunscreen/bugspray in one store that I frequented in my youth. Do campground stores usually have plenty of extra coolers hanging around? Anyway, my Bonnie and Clyde crime spree metaphor is given a big smack on the nose when Our Vision of Golden Maleness leaves a stack of twenties under the cash register. Am I the only one wondering where in his capri sweatpants he was keeping a wad of money?

So Mick hotwires the car (crime spree!) and they take off for the Nevada border, the opposite way from where they were headed before! This will throw off pursuit! Agent Asshole is SO CLEVER about these things. Bitsy conks out after snacking on some cashews and falls asleep with "her palms pressed together prayer-like". Awwww, she's so cute all bruised up and exhausted. Caveman Mick feels all guilty about having dragged her into this. And guilt makes him think of his dead ex-wife and there is some freaky nightmare  about how she was a Cubs fan and he sees the C on her cap turning all bloody and horrible and running down her face and THIS IS NOT SEXYTALK.

The two of them end up at a motel and there is a not-sexy squabble about their having to share a queen-size bed, in which Agent Asshole informs her that it wouldn't matter if she was Angelina Jolie, he STILL would just want to go to sleep. How touching. Anyway, Bitsy goes to have a shower (all by her lonesome) and it turns out the point is pretty much moot anyway because Mick falls asleep in the chair.

Then ex-super-spy Francine who is apparently uber-posh but also swears like an expurgated sailor. Seriously. Things like "But when the battle begin, you'll want him on your side and be-" she swore again "-glad he was." And I'm like..o_O. Really? REALLY? It's a romance book. For grown-ups. If the swearing is important, just please have her swear. If the swearing is not important and you are uncomfortable writing swearwords into your dialogue, please do not have your characters swear. It's just a little bit ludicrous to bleep your characters in writing. So Francine's whole point was to bring by a new car, watch Mick and Bitsy exchange "warm glances" and inform the readership that despite all appearances to the contrary, Mick is a Good Guy who will Protect You. Not threaten you with rape and pet-death. Oh...wait....

Still not enough? Part 4 is next!