So in his computer-stalking, it seems that Mick has come across evidence that Bitsy had a miscarriage while married to her evil abusive ex-husband. And sensitive man that he is, decides to ask her whether "she ever told anyone about the child". Which leads Bitsy to spill her unhappy story of dinners that always seemed to include an "overweight senator stinking of promises and pomp" grabbing her. And then he speculates that the night she fell down the stairs she didn't trip. Umm, duh. Hi, she's already mentioned he's an evil abusive bastard. Isn't "I fell down the stairs" high on the list of Excuses No One Believes? Anyway, when she blames herself for provoking him when she 'knew better', does he tell her that's nonsense? No. Instead he determines that he will save Bitsy (from what exactly?) and that will make the Serious Issues he has with his Dead Whilst Pregnant With His Child Wife. Y'all ALL need to get yourselves to a decent therapist because this is all seriously messed up in the head.
Anyway, after some much needed (separate) sleep, Mick decides to lecture Bitsy on the subject of which guns are better for self-protection. Did you know that a handgun is of more use than a long gun because you can carry it in your...wait for it...hand?! I know! He is the most expert of weapons experts. So he gives her some pointers and a gun and is teaching her how to shoot. I have long since given up hope of Our Formerly Intrepid Heroine using this opportunity to escape. But at least she does disarm him - if only to jump his bones. Which turns out to be pretty awful timing as the Bad Guys turn up while they are post-coital on the kitchen floor (though at least the villains had the courtesy to wait for everyone to get off first).
They escape in a daring motorcycle ride that has Mick improbably reaching around to press Bitsy's head into his back. The anatomical logistics of this make my head hurt - especially since there's a motorcycle now being controlled one-handed during this contortionism, so I stopped thinking too much about it. Especially as there was then an explosion! And Bitsy ended up with shrapnel in her shoulder! But it's fine! She's fine! She won't bother to mention this to Mick though it could affect her ability to hold on and not fall off the motorcycle and die during the ensuing high-speed vehicle chase. Sometimes I wonder about Bitsy's sense of self-preservation... Anyway, Mick tells her to "take the gun out of his pants" which is NOT a euphemism given that this is a high-speed chase and they decide not to steal a move from the ridiculous Charlie Sheen movie The Chase, thank goodness. So she's meant to play Fiona on Burn Notice and shoot out their pursuers tires - a SMALL moving target. From the back of a motorcycle at full throttle. While twisted around to aim behind her. With shrapnel in one shoulder - which either as the grasping arm or the shooting arm seems like an Incredibly Bad Idea. Doesn't work either. Instead Mick and motorcycle LEAP a chain link fence, get hit in the gas tank and for the second time in as many days (or so) Bitsy is forced to fling herself from a vehicle moving at dangerously fast speed - only this time with a twist - immediately after leaping OFF the motorcycle, they leap down onto a semi-truck on the highway below. Honey, this guy is BAD for your health. Please give him up...
Chapter 12: In Which Bitsy Turns Bonnie Parker
Seriously, somebody called in some serious manpower in this chase to kill off Mick. Because moments, mere MOMENTS after they get in the high-speed motorcycle chase, there is a helicopter waiting to shoot at them as they cling to the top of a big rig. But they are saved by a convenient tunnel. So they get off the truck and Bitsy makes her next foray into her Bonnie Parker style life of crime by pressing the gun to some guy's head and 'jacking his car. At the next gas station, Mick makes a phone call to a Mysterious Person Who Taunts Him for no apparent reason. Why are you calling people who accuse you of killing your wife, Mick?
Bitsy gets the bright idea that they will be less conspicuous wearing bright yellow spandex and biking (or maybe she wants to keep the next vehicle she has to leap from at a manageable speed...). They return to the funeral home, where they "lie low" (and this time, it's TOTALLY a euphemism) in the apartment upstairs waiting for people to clear out from a wake. They run into Gwen, who works at the place, and Agent Asshole returns in all his charming glory - really "if I were the assassin, I wouldn't have missed" is not the most comforting or reassuring of statements. You really need remedial coursework in "gaining trust" exercises. But because it's necessary to the plot, it works and Gwen agrees to help them in
Chapter 13: In Which Mick Wears Variations on a Disguise
Mick tries to be inconspicuous by donning a disguise. Which includes a fake beard, a briefcase and sunglasses. At night. He buys some laptop and cell phones for super-spy-dom and then is returned to the funeral home in a body bag. To avoid being spotted. In broad daylight (say what? weren't we only just in the dark waiting for people to lock up after the wake?). Anyway, he jury-rigs the cell phones into some sort of phone call transcriptor somehow. Then he crank-calls Lawyer McStudMuffin to get his contact list so he can get one of his contacts' contact list and I'm just glad that Hottie McLawyerdom is back in the book at all. WHY ARE YOU NOT THE HERO, GREY TORRE?
Mick is all smug and self-satisfied at his technological MacGyvering and Bitsy reminisces fondly that it's the same smile he gets when he's Other Kinds of Satisfied, ifyaknowwhatImean, wink wink nudge nudge. By which I mean Sex. And it is Gross. Because REALLY BITSY?! Despite the fact that he hasn't been unspeakably horrid for the past few chapters, can we please remember that he threatened to kill your (happily non-existent) PUPPIES?! Also, I did not want to think about Mick's Sex Face.
Anyway, Mick goes out in disguise to go shopping again. This time as a beach bum. Which involves a fake beard and moustache and sunglasses again. But this time no briefcase. Because this time he is not a business man. He is a beach bum. He is a MASTER of disguise. Then! He disguises himself as a business man (with briefcase, of course) to break into the office of the senator he is being framed for trying to assassinate. This seems like a Genuinely Stupid Plan.
After some cranky quarreling between our two Lovebirds, Mick asks Bitsy to call Hunky Grey Torre, Divorce Lawyer to the Stars, to see if he can set up a meeting between them and the Senator Whom Everyone Thinks Mick is Trying to Assassinate. Grey is genuinely worried about her and insists that she come along to the meeting so that he can assure himself that she isn't hurt. I really adore him.
Next time on High-Heeled Alibi - we finally meet Hunky McLawyerdom!!
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