Welcome back to the Snarkdom. Today we're looking through some further chapters of Sydney Ryan's High Heeled Alibi.
When last we left our Intrepid Heroine, she had been forced at gunpoint to bring a suspected assassin to her home. I was not responding so well to Agent Asshole, and that was not changed in
Chapter 4: In which We Introduce Outside Conflict
Our hero attempts to get our heroine to relax by telling her that if he wanted to kill her, he would have done so by now. Considering that he spent the last several minutes with a gun jabbed in her side, I don't believe him. Neither does Bitsy - I knew she was a smart lady. Also, even if it had been true, the whole implied threat thing, for future reference - NOT COMFORTING.
He becomes even less comforting and helpful when he allows her one minute to pee. No shower, and when I say one minute, I mean a minute. As in he stands in front of the open door and counts down. No extra time is allowed for hand-washing. Because...umm...she could signal someone if she were allowed to pee? Or because he has serious issues. I'm banking on the latter.
Luckily, our heroine is full of ingenuity. Verily, she is the veritable McGyver of hostages - she sprays him full in the face with hair spray, thus blinding him. It burns! She flees, while I picture him crumpling to his knees and bellowing in pain - much to my glee. This is not described in nearly enough detail. Unfortunately Bitsy runs straight into the clutches of two very nasty Neanderthal types (with no apologies to the Geico cavemen) who tie her up, beat her about the head and threaten rape (again? I thought this was a contemporary...).
She manages to get the upper hand (I knew that scalpel would come in handy), only to be 'rescued' by Cro-Magnon #1 (also known as Agent Asshole), which brings us to
Chapter 5: Our Vision of Golden Maleness Should Keep His Mouth Shut
Mick decides to calmly shoot out some kneecaps for no particular apparent reason - except, I guess to stake out his manly territory regarding Our Intrepid Heroine. Or something. I don't know, maybe it's in the Super-Secret Agency Handbook. It struck me as peculiar given that there wasn't even interrogation involved. In short, Mick continues to frighten the heck out of me - and out of Bitsy as well, though I fear that won't last too much longer.
After some more escape attempts, Bitsy ends up disarmed, which is a shame. I've been fantasizing about her taking a scalpel to Mick's Golden Maleness, if you know what I mean. But it's not that kind of book. So instead, we're treated to more brilliant dialogue from Agent Asshole who continues to demonstrate his Cro-Magnon nature with gems such as:
"In some cultures, you would be my love slave for life in repayment for what I just did for you." - ooh, smooth talker, AND culturally aware! Be still, my heart!
"You won't get hurt as long as you cooperate." - so friendly. Note that earlier, he only promised he wouldn't KILL her...
Chapter 6: She Decides to Play Along or Stockholm Syndrome Sets In
Mick begins the chapter by making it absolutely clear that the 'no hurting' thing only applies if she doesn't try anything that fits into his definition of stupid - like try to escape from the maniac spouting threats and shooting out people's kneecaps for fun, apparently. Undaunted Bitsy kicks him in the balls and makes a run for it. I spontaneously cheer as I've been rooting for this ever since he showed up in her car! Huzzah!
But wait! Clearly she cannot be allowed to escape - so in true Plot Device fashion, Our Intrepid Heroine tears a hamstring. Agent Asshole chases her down only to throw a histrionic hissy fit worthy of a barely pubescent girl insisting that she go... immediately. And that he watch her go. Because leaving her at the side of the road and driving off is apparently not satisfying to Mick's Inner Drama Queen. He's even more pissed when his moment of High Dudgeon is ruined by Bitsy's inconvenient injury.
After an amazing eye-rolling inducing conversation and a demonstration of Mick's aiming prowess, Bitsy is convinced that he didn't mean to hit her when he was taking potshots at her. And that's apparently all the reassurance she needs to allow him to manhandle her back to a motel and doctor her up. My hopes that Bitsy will make good her escape fade, but I shouldn't have given up on Our Intrepid Heroine so quickly. When he drives off, she hitches up her britches and begins the slow painful trek down to the road to flag someone down to help.
Unfortunately Mick drives by (apparently he just went to hunt down some food) and chooses this moment to have an inkling of sense - and accurately points out that flagging someone down in vampire vixen attire might not be sending the message she'd like... She sends him off with elevated middle finger, but his schoolboy is so amused by her 'spunk' that he decides to channel his Inner Caveman again and haul her around by the hair.
Next Time on High-Heeled Alibi: Agent Asshole has a Deep!
