Inspired by Smart Bitches, Trashy Books' adventures with DocTurtle and SB Nonnie's hilarious review of Pregnesia as well as the many hilarious snarky reviews to be found at Rip My Bodice, I've decided to try my own hand at a chapter-by-chapter review (of sorts) of Harlequin Intrigue's High-Heeled Alibi. Let the snarking commence!
Chapter 1: An Ode to a Dead Guy's Feet
Our story begins in a funeral home - with a homily to our hero's presumed dead feet. Ok...I think to myself, this is quirky, a little weird, but hey, I loveAbby from NCIS. I can deal. But then I start to think...
1) Our hero appears to be dead. He's on a slab in a funeral home after all. Not usually how I expect my romances to begin. But maybe it's one of those flash-back to the story that put him there things. Or a Juliet-style knock-out drug. Or a ruse!
2) She's going gaga over his feet. As in thinking about how pretty and smooth and not gross a PRESUMABLY DEAD guy's feet are. This is strange. Seriously strange.
3) Furthermore, once he arises from the dead (complete with the obligatory stammering:
You're not dead! conversation) we determine that he was a secret agent of some sort - back to this 'feet' thing. Are you telling me he has no calluses or crooked once-broken toes? What is up with that? Does he spend his time between protection assignments at the day spa? The hero is not winning me over despite his slipping sheet and the resultant 'visions of golden maleness'.
Agent Midas doesn't really score any more points for playing cutesy Tarzan (You Vera, Me Lazarus, This Memorial Manor...got it in one, big guy) or vaguely threatening. Though at least Bitsy (Our Intrepid Heroine) has the sense to snag her scalpel - though she then proceeds to wave it wildly about while monologuing about the virtues of a life lived free of romantic entanglements...
I've got unfortunate news for you, Bitsy, you've entered Harlequin-land, and you've apparently been gifted Agent Midas as your One True Love. Have fun with that!
So to end our chapter, the cops show up looking for our Vision of Golden Maleness, but Bitsy is convinced the entire deal is an elaborate practical joke (someone's seen Days of Thunder too often) because it's Halloween after all. Eventually, however, she's convinced that Mick (our Metrosexual Hero) is, in fact, dangerous. Which you would think would have been clear to her when he grabbed her scalpel. But luckily (big sighs of relief from everyone), the Vision of Golden Maleness has escaped through a window (or something) and is now running about town clad in an improvised toga towards:
Chapter 2: Exposition Time!
Mick is being framed for an assassination attempt by his own agency. She's his only alibi (because he was apparently dead on a slab in her funeral home at the time). The hows and whys of both the assassination and the deadness are fuzzy at best - i.e. our heroine shall not worry her pretty little head about minor insignificant details. What's important is: The Super Secret Agency willing to kill a senator now wants her dead.
Mick's given some clothes to prevent too much Golden Maleness being on display during subsequent inevitable chase scenes, but the guy who's mentored him for the past 12 years running apparently holds a grudge. He gives him comically small sweatpants and running shoes to replace the Improvised Shroud Toga. So now he looks vaguely genie-like in capri sweats and no shirt, but don't you be rubbing anything to make any wishes! Our Vision of Maleness is NOT that kind of guy! Hey! You know what?
*Scene dissolve to Bitsy's Backstory* (now keep your hands to yourself!)
Bitsy is scarred from divorcing an asshole ex-husband who used to beat her up. She trusts no one except her childhood friend turned yummy (and noble) divorce attorney to the stars Grey Torre (somebody explain to me why HE's not our hero? Lawyer McStudMuffin is totally better than Mr. Implicitly-Threaten-You-With-A-Scalpel over there in his Genie Pants...)
Chapter 3: They Meet Again, Mr. Bond
Now that the exposition is happily out of the way, our intrepid Stalker-Spy turns up in our favorite Mortician's backseat. She, being a sensible sort, screams her bloody head off and tries to get out of the car. He locks her and smiles 'with a touch of sensual cruelness' (sexy!) and claims to be one of the good guys - while ordering her to drive him to her house (by good guy, he clearly meant to imply psycho rapist, right?).
When she understandably panics and puts the car in the wrong gear, he inserts sexist comments about her driving - because it's clearly gender-related and not because of her overwhelming fear of rape and death... (Asshole Alert!). Plus he jabs a gun in her back. I mean all of this just SCREAMS good guy to me. Isn't this the type of hero you swoon over?
When they get to her house, he threatens to kill off any pets she might possess - further endearing him to the readership - while simultaneously lecturing her about the perils of living alone (see how caring and protective he is?)
Our heroine is almost saved by a nosy cousin, but Our Golden Vision of Maleness dazzles her into leaving them alone for a shag-fest (so not happening!) while simultaneously keeping his gun (not the happy one) jammed in our heroine's side. Her attempts at eyebrow semaphore fail. Desperate prayers go up from the readership that Nosy Cousin will watch the news and report our Scumbag Hero.
At least I kept hoping that. What about Hunky McLawyerdom? I'm hoping he gets a LOT more screen time - and we have less Agent Asshole, though that seems unlikely considering he's the hero...
No comments:
Post a Comment