Sydney Ryan - High-Heeled Alibi (Part 6)

Chapter 14: In Which There Is a Meeting with Grey Torre, an Unnecessary Monologue, and Several Gunshots


Apparently Agent Asshole didn't take too kindly to Hunky McLawyerdom expressing concern about Our Formerly Intrepid Heroine's welfare after having been kidnapped and has been acting 'cold and distant' - which is SO unlike the way he's been acting up until now, Bitsy...Oh. Wait. Anyway, Bitsy embarks upon the tactic of spineless women everywhere when confronted with pigheaded passive-aggressive men and strips until he's happy and talking to her again... Bitsy's sense of self-esteem is apparently still curled up in the fetal position whimpering softly on the floor of her car.

Anyway, they drive out to Grey Torre's Secret Cabin in the woods via a super-secret alternative route - in case there is a 'surprise party' waiting for them. This would be smarter if it weren't for the fact that the Private Cabin is off a Private Road - and I'm guessing there is only one of those. Any 'surprise party' will likely simply be waiting off of the Single Entrance to the Secluded Secret Cabin in the Woods. Just sayin', Super Spy. Also - they are apparently arriving at nightfall rather than during daylight hours. WHY? Why would you arrange a clandestine meeting with a scary agency trying to kill you when visibility is impaired?

They get there and Mick slips a gun into Bitsy's waistband so it won't be found on him while he is inevitably searched. Then he pulls a totally transparent sleight of hand move while stalling for time before she's searched. I am exasperated at the utter lack of professionalism in this supposedly powerful super-secret spy agency. AH! But Grey Torre, Hunky Divorce Lawyer to the Stars' Abused Spouses is the one who pats down Bitsy, while bantering playfully about shared memories and saying this was his fifth-grade fantasy. I'm not sure there was that much fantasizing when I was in fifth grade, but BE STILL MY HEART! SEARCH ME NEXT, GREY! I COULD BE CONCEALING A WEAPON!

Grey's upset at a bruise on Bitsy's jaw picked up in her brush with the Plot Goons in Chapter 4. She plays on his sympathies and goes in for a hug. Rather than this being a real show of affection - HOW CAN YOU CHOOSE AGENT ASSHOLE OVER HUNKY GREY TORRE? - it's a RUSE to check if he's wired for Mick. He is. They all go into the cabin with Grey ushering her around and reaching around her in a sexy manner. But it can never be between Bitsy and Grey. The man has a deer head mounted on the wall and it gives her 'the willies'. Now, I don't like hunting either, but honey, you've got no problems sleeping with a MAN WHO SHOOTS OUT PEOPLE'S KNEECAPS FOR FUN. But a mounted DEER HEAD freaks you out? Seriously Bitsy. There is SO MUCH WRONG WITH YOU!

Grey Torre, whom I thought could not be more perfect, offers everyone drinks. And the man is not talking Coca-Cola, no sir! He is offering proper adult beverages, people! How much more awesome could he be? Everyone else declines, but he shrugs and pours himself a scotch proclaiming (in pure Luc Teyssier form) that 'cloak and dagger stuff makes [his] ass twitch'. LOVE!

Anyway, while Grey is reveling in his coolness, Mick proceeds to explain the evildoer's secret plan to said evildoer to demonstrate Agent Asshole's dubious deductive reasoning skills and generally sum up the Dubious Plot Device that got us here. Turns out secretly, while we weren't paying attention because Bitsy was stripping (in a much-abbreviated recap), Mick was tapping the Evildoers' phones and computers and therefore has now gathered All the Necessary Proof. Evildoer pulls a gun, Mick blows his head off. Automatic Gunfire erupts from the 'Surprise Party' Mick so cunningly evaded (NOT!) earlier with his Cunning Plan to take a different highway. Mick tells Grey to "call in his cavalry" AS IF THEY WOULDN'T ALREADY BE ON THE WAY ONCE THEY HEARD AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE ON THE WIRE GREY IS WEARING. COME ON!

Agent Asshole decides to Heroically Draw Fire by running out the back. Bitsy clings to him like a limpet proclaiming that she NEEEEEEEDS him. He kisses her and runs off. She lies despondently on the floor - apparently uncaring if she is torn apart by stray (or not so stray) bullets. Really, Bitsy? ARE YOU TURNING ALL BELLA ON ME?! She is. She cares for nothing if Mick isn't there. Certainly not her own safety.

Mick scampers off through the dark and ends up in a stand-off with the HEAD of the Super-Secret Evil Agency (what? This guy doesn't have minions to send to do his dirty work?) because he just so happens to see STARLIGHT glinting off of NIGHT VISION GOGGLES. Yeah. Man's been eating his carrots or something. He can also see the smug smile on Head Evil Doer's face in the muzzle flash of the rifle shooting at him. I am surprised that the Head Evil Doer is such a ridiculously lousy shot with a rifle that he completely misses Agent Asshole. Seriously, either engage in target practice or SEND MINIONS to kill Mick.

A single gunshot rings out. Bitsy opens her mouth to cry out but no sound comes out. It is very dramatic as we scene-dissolve to:

Chapter 15: In Which Things End
Head-Evildoer is found dead with a single bullet wound to the heart. At least Agent Asshole was up on his target practice. A trail of blood leads away from his body then disappears. They never find Mick's body. Bitsy lives in alternate hope and despair, thinking fondly of bizarre memories in which Mick compares himself to a Siamese cat. Uh, WHAT? I think I missed something, but I'm damned if I'll go back and read this thing again. You'll just have to live with the mystery.

Blah, blah, blah. People want Hunky Grey Torre to run for office. The evil Chinese Evildoers are quietly packed off to where they came from. Investigative hearings are held. Blah. Bitsy ruminates for a paragraph as to whether she would want her penis enlarged if she had one. WHAT? Then, while scrolling through her spam, she sees two attachments in an email with no subject line to Ethel June from Leslie (they're oh-so-hilarious code names from Chapter 8). In it is just an attached e-ticket to Cancun.

With nothing more than that, Bitsy packs a carry-on and leaves her entire life behind - she knows she's not going back - and boards a tiny puddle-jumper to an unknown city in the middle of the Mexican jungle to meet 'the senor' who apparently watches the plane and speaks of her 'not so much with his voice. But with his eyes.' (Is this reminding anyone else of a backwards Romancing the Stone?). He meets her at the plane at his airstrip at his ranch secluded deep in the Mexican jungle with the latest security while his Mexican minion smiles benevolently. And I know I'm supposed to be touched. But all I can think of is: MICK IS TOTALLY A SECRET DRUG LORD!!!

THE END

Sydney Ryan - High-Heeled Alibi (Part 5)

Chapter 11: In Which Bitsy Spills About Her Evil Celebrity Ex-Husband


So in his computer-stalking, it seems that Mick has come across evidence that Bitsy had a miscarriage while married to her evil abusive ex-husband. And sensitive man that he is, decides to ask her whether "she ever told anyone about the child". Which leads Bitsy to spill her unhappy story of dinners that always seemed to include an "overweight senator stinking of promises and pomp" grabbing her. And then he speculates that the night she fell down the stairs she didn't trip. Umm, duh. Hi, she's already mentioned he's an evil abusive bastard. Isn't "I fell down the stairs" high on the list of Excuses No One Believes? Anyway, when she blames herself for provoking him when she 'knew better', does he tell her that's nonsense? No. Instead he determines that he will save Bitsy (from what exactly?) and that will make the Serious Issues he has with his Dead Whilst Pregnant With His Child Wife. Y'all ALL need to get yourselves to a decent therapist because this is all seriously messed up in the head.

Anyway, after some much needed (separate) sleep, Mick decides to lecture Bitsy on the subject of which guns are better for self-protection. Did you know that a handgun is of more use than a long gun because you can carry it in your...wait for it...hand?! I know! He is the most expert of weapons experts. So he gives her some pointers and a gun and is teaching her how to shoot. I have long since given up hope of Our Formerly Intrepid Heroine using this opportunity to escape. But at least she does disarm him - if only to jump his bones. Which turns out to be pretty awful timing as the Bad Guys turn up while they are post-coital on the kitchen floor (though at least the villains had the courtesy to wait for everyone to get off first).

They escape in a daring motorcycle ride that has Mick improbably reaching around to press Bitsy's head into his back. The anatomical logistics of this make my head hurt - especially since there's a motorcycle now being controlled one-handed during this contortionism, so I stopped thinking too much about it. Especially as there was then an explosion! And Bitsy ended up with shrapnel in her shoulder! But it's fine! She's fine! She won't bother to mention this to Mick though it could affect her ability to hold on and not fall off the motorcycle and die during the ensuing high-speed vehicle chase. Sometimes I wonder about Bitsy's sense of self-preservation... Anyway, Mick tells her to "take the gun out of his pants" which is NOT a euphemism given that this is a high-speed chase and they decide not to steal a move from the ridiculous Charlie Sheen movie The Chase, thank goodness. So she's meant to play Fiona on Burn Notice and shoot out their pursuers tires - a SMALL moving target. From the back of a motorcycle at full throttle. While twisted around to aim behind her. With shrapnel in one shoulder - which either as the grasping arm or the shooting arm seems like an Incredibly Bad Idea. Doesn't work either. Instead Mick and motorcycle LEAP a chain link fence, get hit in the gas tank and for the second time in as many days (or so) Bitsy is forced to fling herself from a vehicle moving at dangerously fast speed - only this time with a twist - immediately after leaping OFF the motorcycle, they leap down onto a semi-truck on the highway below. Honey, this guy is BAD for your health. Please give him up...

Chapter 12: In Which Bitsy Turns Bonnie Parker


Seriously, somebody called in some serious manpower in this chase to kill off Mick. Because moments, mere MOMENTS after they get in the high-speed motorcycle chase, there is a helicopter waiting to shoot at them as they cling to the top of a big rig. But they are saved by a convenient tunnel. So they get off the truck and Bitsy makes her next foray into her Bonnie Parker style life of crime by pressing the gun to some guy's head and 'jacking his car. At the next gas station, Mick makes a phone call to a Mysterious Person Who Taunts Him for no apparent reason. Why are you calling people who accuse you of killing your wife, Mick?

Bitsy gets the bright idea that they will be less conspicuous wearing bright yellow spandex and biking  (or maybe she wants to keep the next vehicle she has to leap from at a manageable speed...). They return to the funeral home, where they "lie low" (and this time, it's TOTALLY a euphemism) in the apartment upstairs waiting for people to clear out from a wake. They run into Gwen, who works at the place, and Agent Asshole returns in all his charming glory - really "if I were the assassin, I wouldn't have missed" is not the most comforting or reassuring of statements. You really need remedial coursework in "gaining trust" exercises. But because it's necessary to the plot, it works and Gwen agrees to help them in

Chapter 13: In Which Mick Wears Variations on a Disguise


Mick tries to be inconspicuous by donning a disguise. Which includes a fake beard, a briefcase and sunglasses. At night. He buys some laptop and cell phones for super-spy-dom and then is returned to the funeral home in a body bag. To avoid being spotted. In broad daylight (say what? weren't we only just in the dark waiting for people to lock up after the wake?). Anyway, he jury-rigs the cell phones into some sort of phone call transcriptor somehow. Then he crank-calls Lawyer McStudMuffin to get his contact list so he can get one of his contacts' contact list and I'm just glad that Hottie McLawyerdom is back in the book at all. WHY ARE YOU NOT THE HERO, GREY TORRE?

Mick is all smug and self-satisfied at his technological MacGyvering and Bitsy reminisces fondly that it's the same smile he gets when he's Other Kinds of Satisfied, ifyaknowwhatImean, wink wink nudge nudge. By which I mean Sex. And it is Gross. Because REALLY BITSY?! Despite the fact that he hasn't been unspeakably horrid for the past few chapters, can we please remember that he threatened to kill your (happily non-existent) PUPPIES?! Also, I did not want to think about Mick's Sex Face.

Anyway, Mick goes out in disguise to go shopping again. This time as a beach bum. Which involves a fake beard and moustache and sunglasses again. But this time no briefcase. Because this time he is not a business man. He is a beach bum. He is a MASTER of disguise. Then! He disguises himself as a business man (with briefcase, of course) to break into the office of the senator he is being framed for trying to assassinate. This seems like a Genuinely Stupid Plan.

After some cranky quarreling between our two Lovebirds, Mick asks Bitsy to call Hunky Grey Torre, Divorce Lawyer to the Stars, to see if he can set up a meeting between them and the Senator Whom Everyone Thinks Mick is Trying to Assassinate. Grey is genuinely worried about her and insists that she come along to the meeting so that he can assure himself that she isn't hurt. I really adore him.

Next time on High-Heeled Alibi - we finally meet Hunky McLawyerdom!!

Sydney Ryan - High-Heeled Alibi (Part 4)

When last we left our Intrepid Heroine and her Vision of Golden Maleness, their faces were plastered all over the media and they were being accused of assorted crimes (including the murder of a Congressman), which means it's time for:


Chapter 10: In which there is A Wholly Inexplicable Kiss


The issue of the one bed tucked firmly behind us, it is suddenly dawn and Our Intrepid Heroine has donned her latest disguise - red hair dye and a fake baby belly (is it wrong that I'm totally picturing that scene from Ten Things I Hate About You right now?) to play the very pregnant wife of the Vision of Now-Dark-Haired Maleness. Cute Banter regarding the circumstances of their wedding/baby-timing ensues. Who is this? Did the hairdye remove Mick's Idiot Gene? This is the only reason I can see for all this disguising as they encounter Absolutely No One on the trip to Mick's Secret Lair of Secretness in the mountains of Oregon.

Well, also, to give Mick a reason to dwell on his Issues. Let's not forget, y'all, Mick's Wife was Shot While Pregnant and he Couldn't Protect Her and he has Avoided All Emotional Commitment (though not his Manly Physical Needs - did I need to know that?) Ever Since. And now he's feeling weird FEELINGS. Like protectiveness and stuff towards his hostage. Is there such a thing as Reverse Stockholm Syndrome (wikipedia says yes: Lima Syndrome!)? Because Mick is bonding up a storm here with his hostage. In fact, they have a very odd conversation where Bitsy, Our Formerly Intrepid Heroine, asks him whether he's an elite spy machine *waggling eyebrows* (umm, Bitsy? This is not sexytalk...) and then pants at him so he can prove to her that he is in fact ALL MAN, BABY. By which I mean he kisses her. And I am hoping that this kiss will lead to her cracking him over the head and making a run for it on her Only Sometimes Painful Torn Hamstring. But it is not to be.

Instead the Man who has had no sleep since the beginning of this book (aside from a quick nap in an armchair) continues to drive all the way to Oregon to his Secret Lair of Secretness, where he busts out some Spy Movie checking-to-make-sure-no-one-has-invaded His Fortress of Solitude. No one has, so there are Showers All Around and Our Formerly Intrepid Heroine wears some ill-fitting delicate lacy undergarments because apparently Francine (our foul-mouthed bringer of clothing) was all about encouraging sexytimes between Mick & Co. Now, I don't know about you, but if I had the choice between a pretty lacy bra that is "snug" with bits "swelling over" or my very own, properly fitting one that merely needs to be rinsed out in the sink, I know which one I would choose. Sadly Bitsy, of the now Miraculously Almost Healed Torn Hamstring, disagrees. Also - REALLY? You tear a hamstring and 48 hours, some cramped sleep curled up in a car and a hot shower later and you don't even want pain pills?

Anyway, miraculous healing aside, Mick turns up wearing nothing but a pair of jorts and the two share heated looks while she's trying to get into his computer. And then he inserts the USB stick into the drive (and that is NOT a euphemism) and... the chapter ends...

Better luck next time, Mick!

Sydney Ryan - High-Heeled Alibi (Part 3)

When last we left our couple, Our Intrepid Heroine had her hair firmly ensconced in Agent Caveman's grip, only to find herself in the midst of:

Chapter 7: In Which There is A Heart to Heart (and a Car Chase!)

Mick decides to 'open up' to Bitsy and tells her about his trust issues - because his wife was shot and died in his arms WHILE PREGNANT WITH THEIR BABY! And it was all so senseless because he never would have talked about his unsavory employers! It is too sad for words.

Bitsy reciprocates by unloading about her sleazebag ex-husband who destroyed her ability to believe in Happily Ever After (at least for another 10 chapters or so). It has the makings of a disturbing bonding moment, but Agent Asshole can't keep his mouth shut, as usual, and goes on about how many hearts are broken every day and he just can't imagine why she's not taking it in stride.

I almost scream at the book that trivializing her pain is not exactly going to win you any points in the 'trust' department (this is not sexy talk!) - especially that your hand is still wrapped in her hair in a distinctly non-sexy manner. But sadly, Mick's scoffing is not to be silenced by common sense. Thankfully, it will be stopped by...

Gunshots! And an ensuing car chase! Instead, Mick turns his special agent thoughts to Pure Madness and insists that Bitsy leap out of a car going 85 miles an hour with a torn hamstring. Because he's steering the car towards a 1000 ft. drop-off. I mean, I know some ladies dig an adrenaline rush, but surely this is going a bit far?

After escaping that with no further injuries except scrapes (what world of physics is this? Gravity is a harsh mistress!), Bitsy has a flash of brilliance that leads to...

Chapter 8: In which our Bedraggled Heroine Participates in a Grade School Field Day!

Despite her torn hamstring (which only hinders the heroine when plot-convenient), Bitsy is still a champion tree-climber. So the two escape their trained pursuers by climbing up a tree. Then make their way back towards civilization in a three-legged race! The perfect method to showcase Mick's toned abs and bring about physical proximity, though it suffers from the drawbacks of everyone not having been near a shower or a toothbrush for at least two days.

Bitsy's fortitude appears to have taken the edge off of Mick's asshole tendencies, but I have no doubt they're still lurking under the surface. But Bitsy nonetheless plays along when Mick insists they pretend to be an adoring couple lost after a car accident (which he blames her for entirely, in truly charming fashion...umm...not). This is the first interaction that doesn't make me want to beat Mick over the head, though, so we're making progress!

Side note: Does anyone in real life use the word 'fabu'? I thought that was reserved for Wakko from the Animaniacs. 


But after offering to take them to her house in town to feed them and let them rest up, the clerk at the random vacation campground rental they turn up at in the mountains jumps in her car and speeds off leaving our Bedraggled Heroine and her Faux-Fiance staring at her taillights in...

Chapter 9: In which There is a Shower

Clerk Woman apparently took off because Vampire Vixen Bitsy has gotten herself plastered all over the celebrity gossip sites as both a prostitute and Bonnie to Agent Asshole's Clyde Barrow - who is, of course, now wanted for the assassination of a Congressman and his former mentor. Awkward.

Embracing her newfound life of crime, Bitsy raids the campground store for clean clothes, snacks and toiletries. I have to say, this campground store sounds way more sports and outdoors shop than any campground bait, propane, bread and sunscreen/bugspray in one store that I frequented in my youth. Do campground stores usually have plenty of extra coolers hanging around? Anyway, my Bonnie and Clyde crime spree metaphor is given a big smack on the nose when Our Vision of Golden Maleness leaves a stack of twenties under the cash register. Am I the only one wondering where in his capri sweatpants he was keeping a wad of money?

So Mick hotwires the car (crime spree!) and they take off for the Nevada border, the opposite way from where they were headed before! This will throw off pursuit! Agent Asshole is SO CLEVER about these things. Bitsy conks out after snacking on some cashews and falls asleep with "her palms pressed together prayer-like". Awwww, she's so cute all bruised up and exhausted. Caveman Mick feels all guilty about having dragged her into this. And guilt makes him think of his dead ex-wife and there is some freaky nightmare  about how she was a Cubs fan and he sees the C on her cap turning all bloody and horrible and running down her face and THIS IS NOT SEXYTALK.

The two of them end up at a motel and there is a not-sexy squabble about their having to share a queen-size bed, in which Agent Asshole informs her that it wouldn't matter if she was Angelina Jolie, he STILL would just want to go to sleep. How touching. Anyway, Bitsy goes to have a shower (all by her lonesome) and it turns out the point is pretty much moot anyway because Mick falls asleep in the chair.

Then ex-super-spy Francine who is apparently uber-posh but also swears like an expurgated sailor. Seriously. Things like "But when the battle begin, you'll want him on your side and be-" she swore again "-glad he was." And I'm like..o_O. Really? REALLY? It's a romance book. For grown-ups. If the swearing is important, just please have her swear. If the swearing is not important and you are uncomfortable writing swearwords into your dialogue, please do not have your characters swear. It's just a little bit ludicrous to bleep your characters in writing. So Francine's whole point was to bring by a new car, watch Mick and Bitsy exchange "warm glances" and inform the readership that despite all appearances to the contrary, Mick is a Good Guy who will Protect You. Not threaten you with rape and pet-death. Oh...wait....

Still not enough? Part 4 is next!

Sydney Ryan - High-Heeled Alibi (Part 2)

Welcome back to the Snarkdom. Today we're looking through some further chapters of Sydney Ryan's High Heeled Alibi.

When last we left our Intrepid Heroine, she had been forced at gunpoint to bring a suspected assassin to her home. I was not responding so well to Agent Asshole, and that was not changed in

Chapter 4: In which We Introduce Outside Conflict

Our hero attempts to get our heroine to relax by telling her that if he wanted to kill her, he would have done so by now. Considering that he spent the last several minutes with a gun jabbed in her side, I don't believe him. Neither does Bitsy - I knew she was a smart lady. Also, even if it had been true, the whole implied threat thing, for future reference - NOT COMFORTING.

He becomes even less comforting and helpful when he allows her one minute to pee. No shower, and when I say one minute, I mean a minute. As in he stands in front of the open door and counts down. No extra time is allowed for hand-washing. Because...umm...she could signal someone if she were allowed to pee? Or because he has serious issues. I'm banking on the latter.

Luckily, our heroine is full of ingenuity. Verily, she is the veritable McGyver of hostages - she sprays him full in the face with hair spray, thus blinding him. It burns! She flees, while I picture him crumpling to his knees and bellowing in pain - much to my glee. This is not described in nearly enough detail. Unfortunately Bitsy runs straight into the clutches of two very nasty Neanderthal types (with no apologies to the Geico cavemen) who tie her up, beat her about the head and threaten rape (again? I thought this was a contemporary...).

She manages to get the upper hand (I knew that scalpel would come in handy), only to be 'rescued' by Cro-Magnon #1 (also known as Agent Asshole), which brings us to

Chapter 5: Our Vision of Golden Maleness Should Keep His Mouth Shut

Mick decides to calmly shoot out some kneecaps for no particular apparent reason - except, I guess to stake out his manly territory regarding Our Intrepid Heroine. Or something. I don't know, maybe it's in the Super-Secret Agency Handbook. It struck me as peculiar given that there wasn't even interrogation involved. In short, Mick continues to frighten the heck out of me - and out of Bitsy as well, though I fear that won't last too much longer.

After some more escape attempts, Bitsy ends up disarmed, which is a shame. I've been fantasizing about her taking a scalpel to Mick's Golden Maleness, if you know what I mean. But it's not that kind of book. So instead, we're treated to more brilliant dialogue from Agent Asshole who continues to demonstrate his Cro-Magnon nature with gems such as:

"In some cultures, you would be my love slave for life in repayment for what I just did for you." - ooh, smooth talker, AND culturally aware! Be still, my heart!

"You won't get hurt as long as you cooperate." - so friendly. Note that earlier, he only promised he wouldn't KILL her...

Chapter 6: She Decides to Play Along or Stockholm Syndrome Sets In

Mick begins the chapter by making it absolutely clear that the 'no hurting' thing only applies if she doesn't try anything that fits into his definition of stupid - like try to escape from the maniac spouting threats and shooting out people's kneecaps for fun, apparently. Undaunted Bitsy kicks him in the balls and makes a run for it. I spontaneously cheer as I've been rooting for this ever since he showed up in her car! Huzzah!

But wait! Clearly she cannot be allowed to escape - so in true Plot Device fashion, Our Intrepid Heroine tears a hamstring. Agent Asshole chases her down only to throw a histrionic hissy fit worthy of a barely pubescent girl insisting that she go... immediately. And that he watch her go. Because leaving her at the side of the road and driving off is apparently not satisfying to Mick's Inner Drama Queen. He's even more pissed when his moment of High Dudgeon is ruined by Bitsy's inconvenient injury.

After an amazing eye-rolling inducing conversation and a demonstration of Mick's aiming prowess, Bitsy is convinced that he didn't mean to hit her when he was taking potshots at her. And that's apparently all the reassurance she needs to allow him to manhandle her back to a motel and doctor her up. My hopes that Bitsy will make good her escape fade, but I shouldn't have given up on Our Intrepid Heroine so quickly. When he drives off, she hitches up her britches and begins the slow painful trek down to the road to flag someone down to help.

Unfortunately Mick drives by (apparently he just went to hunt down some food) and chooses this moment to have an inkling of sense - and accurately points out that flagging someone down in vampire vixen attire might not be sending the message she'd like... She sends him off with elevated middle finger, but his schoolboy is so amused by her 'spunk' that he decides to channel his Inner Caveman again and haul her around by the hair.

Next Time on High-Heeled Alibi: Agent Asshole has a Deep!

Sydney Ryan - High-Heeled Alibi (Part 1)

Inspired by Smart Bitches, Trashy Books' adventures with DocTurtle and SB Nonnie's hilarious review of Pregnesia as well as the many hilarious snarky reviews to be found at Rip My Bodice, I've decided to try my own hand at a chapter-by-chapter review (of sorts) of Harlequin Intrigue's High-Heeled Alibi. Let the snarking commence!

Chapter 1: An Ode to a Dead Guy's Feet

Our story begins in a funeral home - with a homily to our hero's presumed dead feet. Ok...I think to myself, this is quirky, a little weird, but hey, I loveAbby from NCIS. I can deal. But then I start to think...

1) Our hero appears to be dead. He's on a slab in a funeral home after all. Not usually how I expect my romances to begin. But maybe it's one of those flash-back to the story that put him there things. Or a Juliet-style knock-out drug. Or a ruse!

2) She's going gaga over his feet. As in thinking about how pretty and smooth and not gross a PRESUMABLY DEAD guy's feet are. This is strange. Seriously strange.

3) Furthermore, once he arises from the dead (complete with the obligatory stammering:

You're not dead! conversation) we determine that he was a secret agent of some sort - back to this 'feet' thing. Are you telling me he has no calluses or crooked once-broken toes? What is up with that? Does he spend his time between protection assignments at the day spa? The hero is not winning me over despite his slipping sheet and the resultant 'visions of golden maleness'.

Agent Midas doesn't really score any more points for playing cutesy Tarzan (You Vera, Me Lazarus, This Memorial Manor...got it in one, big guy) or vaguely threatening. Though at least Bitsy (Our Intrepid Heroine) has the sense to snag her scalpel - though she then proceeds to wave it wildly about while monologuing about the virtues of a life lived free of romantic entanglements...

I've got unfortunate news for you, Bitsy, you've entered Harlequin-land, and you've apparently been gifted Agent Midas as your One True Love. Have fun with that!

So to end our chapter, the cops show up looking for our Vision of Golden Maleness, but Bitsy is convinced the entire deal is an elaborate practical joke (someone's seen Days of Thunder too often) because it's Halloween after all. Eventually, however, she's convinced that Mick (our Metrosexual Hero) is, in fact, dangerous. Which you would think would have been clear to her when he grabbed her scalpel. But luckily (big sighs of relief from everyone), the Vision of Golden Maleness has escaped through a window (or something) and is now running about town clad in an improvised toga towards:

Chapter 2: Exposition Time!

Mick is being framed for an assassination attempt by his own agency. She's his only alibi (because he was apparently dead on a slab in her funeral home at the time). The hows and whys of both the assassination and the deadness are fuzzy at best - i.e. our heroine shall not worry her pretty little head about minor insignificant details. What's important is: The Super Secret Agency willing to kill a senator now wants her dead.

Mick's given some clothes to prevent too much Golden Maleness being on display during subsequent inevitable chase scenes, but the guy who's mentored him for the past 12 years running apparently holds a grudge. He gives him comically small sweatpants and running shoes to replace the Improvised Shroud Toga. So now he looks vaguely genie-like in capri sweats and no shirt, but don't you be rubbing anything to make any wishes! Our Vision of Maleness is NOT that kind of guy! Hey! You know what?

*Scene dissolve to Bitsy's Backstory* (now keep your hands to yourself!)

Bitsy is scarred from divorcing an asshole ex-husband who used to beat her up. She trusts no one except her childhood friend turned yummy (and noble) divorce attorney to the stars Grey Torre (somebody explain to me why HE's not our hero? Lawyer McStudMuffin is totally better than Mr. Implicitly-Threaten-You-With-A-Scalpel over there in his Genie Pants...)

Chapter 3: They Meet Again, Mr. Bond

Now that the exposition is happily out of the way, our intrepid Stalker-Spy turns up in our favorite Mortician's backseat. She, being a sensible sort, screams her bloody head off and tries to get out of the car. He locks her and smiles 'with a touch of sensual cruelness' (sexy!) and claims to be one of the good guys - while ordering her to drive him to her house (by good guy, he clearly meant to imply psycho rapist, right?).

When she understandably panics and puts the car in the wrong gear, he inserts sexist comments about her driving - because it's clearly gender-related and not because of her overwhelming fear of rape and death... (Asshole Alert!). Plus he jabs a gun in her back. I mean all of this just SCREAMS good guy to me. Isn't this the type of hero you swoon over?

When they get to her house, he threatens to kill off any pets she might possess - further endearing him to the readership - while simultaneously lecturing her about the perils of living alone (see how caring and protective he is?)

Our heroine is almost saved by a nosy cousin, but Our Golden Vision of Maleness dazzles her into leaving them alone for a shag-fest (so not happening!) while simultaneously keeping his gun (not the happy one) jammed in our heroine's side. Her attempts at eyebrow semaphore fail. Desperate prayers go up from the readership that Nosy Cousin will watch the news and report our Scumbag Hero.

At least I kept hoping that. What about Hunky McLawyerdom? I'm hoping he gets a LOT more screen time - and we have less Agent Asshole, though that seems unlikely considering he's the hero...

Part 2